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It's been a rough week. :c Expect lengthy verbal-processing post in the coming days.
I haven't been polyam long enough to really form a strong historical opinion on this so I'm curious what Hexbears think. Basically what I'm asking is; do folks in the polyamory community overall feel more ethical or less ethical these days, knowing there is a huge influx of people new to the community due to polyamory becoming a more culturally accepted thing in Western culture and media? Basically I see lots of new people in the last year or two who "saw it on tv and wanted to try it. " Some of them no doubt are doing it ethically where others are clearly polybombing their partner as an excuse to cheat. So it's been tough to form an opinion on if polyamory in the media is helping or hurting the community at large. Curious what others think.
Inspired by a subthread in the post on sci-fi and fantasy tropes. A few books I've liked: ***Iron Widow***: a YA novel set in a fantasy version of medieval China. The main character has more than one love interest and from what I remember has a nice little spiel about resisting the social pressure to choose. I won't give any spoilers where it goes but I'm looking forward to the sequel this year. ***Sing for the Coming of the Longest Night***: a cute little winter soltice tale about two metamours that begrudgingly team up to go rescue their respective partner from a magical realm. ***The Giddy Death of Gays and the Strange Demise of Straights***: a bit of a chaotic story with a whirlwind cast of characters trying to make sense of all the heterodox ways that they love each other, amid a rising homophobic backlash. This one is a little rough around the edges as I believe it's self-published but has great showcasing of some unique kinds of connection. Set in Wales. As for movies I haven't seen many, but *Professor Marston and the Wonder Women* is very cute, despite falling into some thruple tropes. *Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice* gets a shoutout for being a very well-made, early (1960’s) take on sexually open relationships. What have you enjoyed?
Want to try to reboot this comm a bit, it was never THAT active but I want to make a real effort to try to build it up anyway! So here's a small discussion thread  What's something that's small and fun that you enjoy about polyamory? There are lots of big obvious things but the longer I am polyamorous the more I come to really enjoy the small things too.
Polymathematics has solved the 3-smooching problem, but whether this solution can be generalized into an N-smooching solution is yet unknown.
[CW: possible manipulation/abuse, venting] I love this man and do not feel like I am living up to my vision of love right now. What follows is a rundown of the challenges and none of the virtues and beauty of our relationship. I have a good assessment of the pull of our relationship, but want an outsider's view of the pushes away. I've been with my BF for a bit over a year now. When we first stated dating, he was very upfront about being in a KTP non-hierarchal relationship with his live-in GF. I met both of them at once and was initially better friends with his GF. The two of them had been together about 2.5 years, and my BF recounts their relationship only really escalating after he got engaged to his shithead ex (important later). While not super knowledgeable about poly, I also was not looking for a serious relationship when he asked me out. Fast forward to mid last Summer when my life situation got more stable, and we realized our values and bodies synced up really well together. Things got more serious and I asked him to become my BF. Around this time, my relationship with his GF started to become more distant, but I wasn't picking up any hostility. Later I asked her to talk at a party and she admitted she had 'hated and resented' me at points over the Summer—presumably as my relationship with her BF affected hers—but that she had 'let go' of those feelings. Things came to a head at Labor Day, when I accidentally got her keys stuck on a friend's roof. I apologized immediately and spent a good deal of effort getting them down a day later. She messaged me 'we are blood feuding now' and blocked my number. When I mentioned to my BF I was hurt by this & it didn't feel proportional he mainly defended her. In the aftermath, she implemented the rule that she should be informed when I would be at their house. Before, I had shown up spontaneously sometimes or my BF and I had stopped by while out-and-about. When I did come over (which decreased a lot), I generally felt unwelcome and uncomfortable around her. In mid-October, I asked her to talk to resolve our bad blood. During that conversation she was mostly respectful and I felt like good progress had been made, but at the end she stated she liked 'having us as blood feuding in the chart.' I told her this made me uncomfortable because, to me, a blood feud necessitates conflict. I had asked him to step in prior to this conversation, but he mostly avoided hinging. Later that night, my BF texts me 'Why are you trying to fistfight my girlfriend?' Apparently, she had come home and told him I tried to fistfight her. This did not happen. As me and him are talking the next day, he breaks down crying saying 'I don't know who to believe.' and that reconciliation between his GF and his past lovers has always been impossible. At her behest and at her aunt's house, the three of us meet up to discuss. She railroaded the conversation, called me a dipshit, and insinuated our relationship has no emotional basis/I am only good in bed. My BF was paralyzed and dissociative for most of the conversation. From this point, I am almost never in their home. A few weeks later, I bring up my frustration around not feeling equal in our relationship. He is initially very cold and eventually starts crying, saying that most of his boundaries in his relationship with his GF are at her discretion, and that i have shown him what 'real kindness and real respect look like in a relationship.' He later admits he's thinking about leaving her because things haven't felt right in a while. I begin to live in the limmerent world, where this is a given and a more equal and more involved relationship is likely between us in the medium-term. **Acknowledging this since Christmas time is making me seriously doubt my understanding of events.** Our friend group had been planning a cabin trip for New Years. Realizing how uncomfortable I feel around his GF, I decided not to go. In the week between Christmas and New Years, I came clean about how I felt about his GF: that I saw her as abusive and that my wish for him was that he could spend some time single living on his own. We had a constructive conversation on how to make our relationship more equal which included him making more of an effort to host. Since we both have the time off, he proposed for us to spend the first long weekend of the New Year together—normally we spend about two nights a week together. On NYE, he texts me asking if I want to extend it a day since his partner's friend who he doesn't like is going to be visiting an extra day. I did not realize this friend was visiting, and the weekend got reframed from a positive statement of desire to 'isn't this great the margin you fit into is larger than it normally is!' in my mind. During the weekend, I felt closer to him than I had felt in a long time. We spent time hanging out with our friends and just doing nothing together. It felt like the taste of the partnered life I wanted to have. While I had let go of wanting it him from him per se, it was still wonderful and difficult to see what that life would feel like together. Crucially, he helped me with some deep cleaning which helped me feel firm in his commitment to equality and to making hosting less one-sided. In spite of all this, I have been feeling sort of anxious when I did have plans with him, and walled up and lonely when we were together. Last night, his GF was out of the house for the first time in a while and he invited me to sleepover. Since their shared bed is off limits, we slept on a mattress topper I had found in the Fall for the purpose of sleeping over more often. It was pretty uncomfortable and callously, I blurted out 'it feels unfair that the only way we can be together is 'yours or the floor.'' We had a painful conversation where he got defensive and said I was ungrateful for him accommodating my desire to sleepover at his house. In my view, I was hurt he hadn't done more to make it viable since we discussed this being important to me in October. Obviously, I expressed this really poorly and hurt his feelings. His response feels similar to other times I have touched the third rail of his dissatisfaction/dissonance in his primary relationship. He had mentioned previously that they had planned to have separate bedrooms when they moved in together but it just had not happened for some reason. They'd had a fight about it over the holidays too. I have been reading Polysecure and learning a huge amount and had been hoping to have a DTR conversation once I'd finished internalizing it. But I feel like I bungled things up and also forced myself to realize that I am more anxious about and insecure in our relationship than I had let myself believe. My motto at the start of our last big conversation was 'you are the right person for me, but this isn't the right relationship for me.' I've done a lot of self-work to let go of my unrealistic expectations and he has done a lot more to be a fair partner to me. I am upset with myself that I turned a positive step into a conflict. At the same time, this suggests to me that things don't have a good resolution. I love this man and do not feel like I am living up to my vision of love right now.
Hello Polyam Comrades  Hopefully your week is starting off well! Sorry for not posting over the holidays, my brain wasn't functional enough to do it, but here we are back at it in the new year. To help foster a safe and inclusive space for polaymory discussion, we wanted to provide weekly discussion topics! The goal is that we share our stories and our experiences, listen to each other, provide safe space for each other, and learn from each other. Please ask questions and provide answers in good faith only, let's be the wonderful communicators I know we all are. This week's discussion topic is: Ask That Burning Question You Have! Maybe you're new to polyamory and are unsure about something and need some clarifications, maybe you've seen polyamory in a movie and are wondering if that's how it really is, maybe you're a polyam pro but need a suggestion for a better calendar app than google calendar to manage your various polycule schedules (this is me someone please help me I'm overwhelmed by my google calendar right now I've got like pod's pods on there and it's not helpful anymore). Please feel free to use this thread to suggest future discussion topics as well, ideas you have to foster a better community, or feedback you have about the community.
sites.libsyn.com
I haven't finished listening to this, but it seems good so far. I was really hoping these two goofuses would get some poly people on after their last discussion of it - and they did! Also little shout out to this podcast. Pretty good in the genre of a couple guys dealing with being alive.
Was my first experience with polyamory and im dealing with some sads. Would like to talk to people who understand rather than judge.
Hello Polyam Comrades  Hopefully your week is starting off well! To help foster a safe and inclusive space for polaymory discussion, we wanted to provide weekly discussion topics! The goal is that we share our stories and our experiences, listen to each other, provide safe space for each other, and learn from each other. Please ask questions and provide answers in good faith only, let's be the wonderful communicators I know we all are. This week's discussion topic is: Share a Funny or Entertaining Polyamory Story This can be anything...a weird date you went on, a coming out story, or just something personally relevant to you. Please keep in mind your own safety and security when telling personal stories; don't use real names and avoid any details which may be personally identifying for yourself or for anyone in your story! Please feel free to use this thread to suggest future discussion topics as well, ideas you have to foster a better community, or feedback you have about the community.
Hello Polyam Comrades  Hopefully your week is starting off well. To help foster a safe and inclusive space for polaymory discussion, we wanted to provide weekly discussion topics! The goal is that we share our stories and our experiences, listen to each other, provide safe space for each other, and learn from each other. Please ask questions and provide answers in good faith only, let's be the wonderful communicators I know we all are. **This week's discussion topic is: What Does Polyamory Mean To You?** This is a pretty broad topic and should provide a great baseline for future discussion. I'm excited to hear what you have to share! Please feel free to use this thread to suggest future discussion topics as well, ideas you have to foster a better community, or feedback you have about the community.
This is one of the most common
Welcome to the polyamory community on Hexbear! Please stand by as we figure things out. If you have ideas on things we can do to build engagement in the community, help provide a framework for safety in the community, or any other ideas that you think would contribute positively to the community, please post them here so we can get things going and ensure that this community is a healthy and postive one for everyone. Thank you! 