Interesting, what's it called

I'm sorry that happened to you

Then they probably need some attention fr. Like Professional attention. Some need is not being met

Same

Thanks so much

I'm interested in batteries/energy storage science and want to know who's the big players in R&D big picture stuff, so yeah cars included but that's not like my specific interest.

People have friends and family to work together with, that doesn't necessitate an authority creating rules

People have the inherent ability to work together by choice without an authority creating rules, we see it every day. Seems like we could choose to work together to defend each other

It's weird whenever I see people talking about anarchy they always seem to forget that humans have family and friends and choose to work together to make things happen without needing an authority creating rules.

I'm sure that's definitely part of it!

Hmmm interesting idea

Yes to stages!! If I try to do the thing immediately I will get lost in an inception of side quests. So I have tables in every room dedicated to "things that need to go in another place". Then when I'm going there, maybe I'll remember to grab one of them 😅

Yes to multiples of things in each room/my car!! Off the top of my head I can think of: phone chargers, cups of pens and scissors, fly swatter, fans, Chapstick, hair ties. If I have to move it, Ive lost it

I don't know why you want to fight about this

Blue blood from a horseshoe crab yes. Blue crabs are also a thing and horseshoe crabs are always referred to with the word horseshoe in front. So calling them just crabs with the word blue in front is a poor choice if one cares about communication.

Horseshoe crabs not blue crabs

Yeah like have some self-reflection jeez, go to therapy for your anxiety, I dunno, but don't project your anxiety onto your employees in a disciplinary manner for God's sake.

Where do you keep them? How do you ensure you put them away on the proper place?

Can you talk about the process of you remembering to put the bracelets on? How does that work?

Totally. What do you think we should call it?

Since realizing I'm autistic I have had a few big areas of skill regression that have really concerned me. Mainly sensory sensitivity leading to overstimulation, and just total exhaustion after any kind of social activity leading to a deep sense of need to be alone for a long time, like many many days in order to recover.

I think about this a lot about what it means because I used to mask everything so much that I could go all school semester passing as a normal human, just quirky. Then during break I would get sick and fall apart like my body was just waiting for permission to take a break.

Summers were always a time of much deeper depression and I think about it now as burnout. But I always pulled myself back together to perform the requisite behaviors.

Now I have given myself permission to give myself accommodations with regards to sensory overload and recovery after socializing, I recognize it better and understand more what I'm feeling. But that makes it seem like it's there * more *

My question is what will they try to do when all of a sudden women are less willing to get married in the first place?

I finished installing the flooring in my laundry room instead of proofreading a report that is painfully boring.

For me, my problem with this approach is first of all I can't cheerfully say feelings a bit rough. That does not compute. But also, in my experience, if I say anything remotely negative that creates social pressure for them to ask for more details. "Aw I'm sorry, what's going on? 🥺"

But while I don't like lying about how I am, I also am not comfortable talking about my personal problems with people I'm not close to. So I would really prefer to not be put in this position in the first place.

Maybe we should consider if it is appropriate for us to know about someone's personal problems before we ask "how are you?"

If the answer is, ehh probably not appropriate, we should refrain from asking that because by doing so we are creating social pressure for the answer to only be positive, whether or not that's true.

I have decided to try and practice saying "hi hope you're having a nice day" instead of how are you to people I'm not close to. I think that reflects what we're really trying to say with the "how are you" in reality - we are wishing the person well.

It's like the Russian formal greeting Здравствуйте (zdrast-vyui'tye) literally translates to "Have health!

My problem with this is that while I don't like lying I also really don't want to talk about my personal problems with someone I'm not intimately close to. So honestly, I would prefer if people who aren't close to me don't ask the question in the first place.

Like I'm not going to tell you that I'm having mental health issues this week and I'm about to lose my shit because everything feels overwhelming and I'm not sure it's worth it anymore. So no I'm not really "getting through it" right now. But it also is going to be very challenging for me to lie to you right now also.

So maybe don't presume that we have the right to that information in the first place and just say something in greeting that doesn't require someone to divulge, honestly or not, private information about themselves.

I'm going to try to implement a "Hi, hope you're having a nice day" instead of how are you to people I'm not close with in practicing this.

"Fine, thanks, and you?" Sounds fine (ha) I think but "I'm fine" leaves a lingering doubt like you're holding back from saying something negative for some reason. And heck, maybe I'm the only one who was harassed for saying that, but I get this anxiety now every time I'm inclined to use it that the person will ask me what's wrong that I avoid it to my own annoyance.

I love learning languages, thank you for sharing the Turkish! That's really interesting

Haha my bad for assuming, maybe because you said daughter my brain just thought Mom idk I feel dumb. But being non-white is definitely also known for being missed for diagnosis.

And something I've been thinking a lot about recently is that in the medical profession "diagnosis" is reserved for people whose symptoms impact them to a very specific (and arguably arbitrary) criteria of severity. And these criteria are constantly being challenged and updated since autism and ADHD (the conditions I'm most familiar with) are still very misunderstood and research is ongoing.

But, in my opinion based on my understanding as a layperson with a special interest in psychology generally and autism and ADHD specifically, these conditions are Neurotypes that are spectrums. And so many people like myself, and perhaps yourself, may have a lot of symptoms but have managed to fly under the radar because we were able to get good enough grades in school for example, and have good enough social skills to make and maintain friendships, and get and keep jobs, all to varying extents. But inside, unbeknownst to those around us, we have been expending 10 times, 100 times the energy that most people use in order to meet those expectations put on us. And we just assumed everyone was struggling this hard with everything. But it turns out it's not supposed to be this hard.

And that's why you see most autistic and ADHD folks diagnosed with other mental health conditions, like anxiety, and depression in particular. Anxiety because we learn to be on high alert for when we are not behaving in the socially acceptable way so we are constantly in fight or flight mode in order to stay on top of those expectations. Depression because it's fucking debilitating to be using so much energy to meet those expectations and constantly being on edge and constantly feeling like you're failing or messing up. But the root cause of all that is that our brains are wired differently and society is not made for us.

I thought this was an absolutely excellent video about the Black experience with autism and getting diagnosed, still a little long half an hour, more focused on children but super valuable for adults as well. https://youtu.be/NyVfL8FZ_Vg

This is a really excellent video by Melissa Simmonds who is Black British and autistic and a parent. It's almost an hour long and talks about being Black and autistic and the intersection of race and disability and culture and white privilege. I really appreciated learning about her perspective and the effort it took to create this presentation. I hope that it might give you a resource to find more information that you will relate with or find helpful. https://youtu.be/LW-C_MVxNEU

Here is a YouTube channel by Bri Booth where she shares her experiences as a late diagnosed autistic Black woman that I've only seen a little bit of but I really liked the way she expresses herself and makes her videos. https://youtube.com/@BriBooth

And here is a video I really appreciated by Jessica McCabe on her YouTube channel How to ADHD where she interviewed 13 people from 4 countries about their experiences being Black with ADHD. I don't know if that will be as useful, although the comorbidity rate for those with autism to also have ADHD is up to like 80% so I'm hoping some of these folks might lead you to additional resources https://youtu.be/oh-3ULQJiEY

Unfortunately I couldn't find any YouTube channels that were specifically about the experience of late diagnosed autistic Black men but if you happen to find some and remember this comment, please do let me know because I would really like to learn more.

❤️I swear we're gonna get this all sorted out. Maybe not in our lifetimes, but we're gonna help it get there. Just by having these conversations we're gonna make it happen

I disagree that it will never happen. I think it's already starting to happen. Part of it is ND tiktok and Instagram and Reddit/Lemmy and YouTube educating people about it and helping people get diagnosed, part of it is research is ongoing allowing therapists/doctors to get better educated about these conditions, and yes part of it is ND people just deciding fuck it I'm done masking in this specific way in this specific environment and learning how to advocate for our needs and ask for accommodations so that it becomes better understood by NT and more commonly seen.

But I agree with you that for now my energy is best spent providing myself my own accommodations and protecting my energy. I love love love talking about this stuff online in the autism communities.

This post went bigger than any of the others I've made so more NTs came in asking to be educated and riling me up, so I have spent more energy talking to them about this than I would ever normally try to do. So far none of those comments seemed to sink in at all lolsob, in accordance with the prophecy. They tend to just ignore what you say and then repeat what they said before and add an "it's that easy" to the end. And then you slap yourself in the face and do some breathing exercises and walk away for awhile.

But the value I get in engaging with ND folks here is life changing. Just sharing our experiences with each other, commiserating. Makes me feel less alone and gives me spoons somehow. Gives me perspective, and sometimes tips, and resolve to prioritize my needs, and forgiveness for when I can't do the things that I feel I'm expected to do.

Anyway I'm rambling again. I just wanted to say I understand your sense that it's hopeless, and I'm sorry that you burned yourself out in that way and I hope you're taking care of yourself and that you have some people who support you.

It's hyperbole yes, but there's a kernal of truth to it.

Consider that this conversation is one example of the hundreds of examples ND people experience every single day for how they are asked to mask their initial reactions/responses/preferences for seemingly arbitrary meaningless reasons "just because" that's how it's been done and no one wants to care about how it impacts us day in and day out.

Consider how it is a cumulative effect that builds up. Frustration, embarrassment, confusion, annoyance, sadness, hurt, yes even rage at the stupidity and injustice of it all.

These are the emotions ND people in your life are experiencing every day all day as they go about trying to survive and fit in in a world that is constantly telling them that they are wrong for the way they instinctively react to things and their preferred ways of being and interacting are not only weird and wrong but somehow disturbing and put a target on their back for disrespect or worse, bullying, being ostracized, fired, or targeted for harassment.

Try to think about that before responding. Really think about what that would be like for someone to live with every single day in every interaction with other people.

Oh, they can pretend. They can pretend so freaking well that loads of people have ZERO idea they are experiencing any of this. They just see them as a little shy and a little weird. A loner. Creepy maybe. Or maybe they are so good at masking you don't even see that. You see a happy friendly person. Meanwhile inside they are so fucking tired.

All of these stupid little dances we have to play in order to be accepted. When being ourselves, why would that be so bad? It doesn't make any sense. But whenever we try to unmask, society very quickly shows us that is not acceptable.

"We refuse to learn it and adapt to it at our peril"

See that's the entire whole encompassing point of this post. We are literally "in peril" either way. We are all sick, literally burnt out exhausted from all the adapting and masking we are doing every gad dang freaking day to these arbitrary stupid social protocols that serve no purpose. I'm ready to stop. I'm ready to call it out and ask society to change itself for once. ND are literally killing ourselves to fit in and it barely ever works anyway! Accommodations are for everyone, meaning everyone benefits. Just accepting that this is how it is is fucking bullshit. How about NT have some personal fucking growth and acknowledge that they have not given half a shit about how much ND people have contributed to society while being shat on CONSTANTLY for being socially different.

Our brains work differently. It's equivalent to being from a different culture and speaking a different language. Many NT can learn to accept this and adapt their own behavior out of respect for this other person. It's far past time we stop looking at Neurodivergence as a disorder to be suppressed, and instead as a different way of being that is just as valid and that society needs to accept, truly, and adapt to accommodate our needs.

If you are asking this question you haven't read enough of the responses to this post. Consider refraining from commenting until you have read more and listened and reflected on the experiences of others different from yourself.

For me, fine would be my preferred generic response to these questions because that's generally how I actually am.

To me, good means actively happy. But generally speaking I'm more neutral. If there's nothing that has made me actively happy at that moment, and I'm also not actively annoyed or upset about something, then I'm just existing, neutral.

But people tend to question you when you do that. "Fine? Not good? What's wrong?🤔🥺" Which is annoying because I thought we were playing the game where you ask a question you don't want the answer to... But they want you to answer in very specific socially acceptable ways and fine is apparently negative to NT.

My favorite response is in Russian. Im Not Russian and don't even know if this is actually culturally accurate but being taught Russian in America we learned: "как дела?" (Kak Dela?- how goes it?) "нормальный" (normal'nyy - Normal¯⁠\⁠_⁠(~⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯)

This comment gets under my skin because in this community for autistic folks we have heard this kind of thinking our e-n-t-i-r-e lives and NT never ever ever ever understand just how much effort it takes for us to mask in order to fit in with their arbitrary ass rules that we consider hella dumb. I long for the day when a NT person comes into communities of autistic people and says, "wow, you know what, all this you're saying makes a lot of sense and this social protocol IS hella dumb and doesn't actually serve any valid purpose and I'm with you! I'm going to help out and join the movement to making society more accommodating to different brains preferred way to be, instead of assuming like everyone always does that the way society is is by definition the right and only way it should and could be." How about calls for personal growth that aren't ableist and full of unexplored privilege and ignorance about what masking actually does to us. Because I'll tell you right now that it is 100,000% devastating and the fact that many of us are keeping it together enough to survive is FUCKING MIRACULOUS and we honestly deserve monetary awards and rest and a fucking break.

So much this!

Yes, it is genetic. If you are a woman, that makes a lot of sense as the diagnostic criteria is only now starting to catch girls more frequently, even though it's still very flawed. Girls (and non-white people) are missed because the diagnostic criteria was developed studying young white boys exclusively. It turns out symptoms of autism are very variable and girls are much more likely to mask their symptoms and fly under the radar as just shy or quirky.

Here's Kate Kahle on why autism is missed in girls https://youtu.be/UI6kObHls-4

Here's a YouTube channel from a mom who was late diagnosed after her child was diagnosed https://youtu.be/zoXmrGtybts

Autism Instagram talking about how the older generations of their families are all full of autism and just don't know it https://www.instagram.com/p/CvMwpDNxiPL/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA== https://www.instagram.com/p/Ct1VlsMxrSn/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA== https://www.instagram.com/p/CmFFZuDMjXJ/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Scientific paper on heritability of autism "heritability was estimated to be 83%, suggesting that genetic factors may explain most of the risk for ASD. " https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5818813/

Haha how is this so universal. Definitely have used these scripts.

There's a couple different issues at hand here. There's the social protocol being stupid and annoying part which is what I think you're referring to. I don't analyze my day like that with a stranger like a retail worker, or anyone at work. I know the social protocol. I just think it's a dumb game and I want to play.

Then there's another aspect which I was thinking about when I wrote the above comment. I was thinking about how even with dear friends, even with my partner who truly want to know how I am, I personally get tired of the question. And maybe that's unreasonable of me, and I they mean it out of kindness and love. But it can feel formulaic, like ok are you just initiating a conversation and therefore don't need the full answer or are you really truly asking? Because when I know someone cares about me and wants to know that's when I feel like I need to run the above algorithm.

But chances are when people ask me how I am, honestly I'm probably dissociating right now in order to not be overcome by how exhausted and burnt out I am just trying to survive. So a. I don't really know how I am most of the time unless im in the middle of an emotional experience. And b. I don't really want to go and pull all those emotions up and relive them in order to analyze the words to summarize and describe them. That honestly makes me feel worse.

So what I wish I could figure out how to communicate to my loved ones is that I will tell you what I want you to know when it occurs to me to say it. And if you want to connect with me and talk to me, why don't you just tell me what's on your mind? What are you feeling if you have any feelings, or what are you doing? Or what's your current interest? Literally anything. I always want to hear from you and listen to what you've got to say and let the conversation grow from that. Because that's how I approach conversation. I just start talking to you about whatever it is I'm thinking about. If I just feel the urge to connect with someone I haven't spoken to in awhile, I'll usually say something like "thinking of you, hope you're well" because that's literally what's happening to me right now.

For me when I'm asked how are you? It feels as much pressure as a phone call. Like, please don't call me! It's such an imposition demanding attention immediately. I much prefer text so I can think about, draft and edit my response, and respond when I'm ready on my own time. So same with how are you? Like maybe I don't want to think about that right now. Maybe it's painful to think about how I am. Maybe I'm not ok but I'm just a saran wrap covering of keeping it together. So talking about it directly is too risky. But I want to talk to you.

Anyway, I can go on and on so I'm going to stop treating this like betterhelp. Hope some of that helped explain why I said what I said although I'm betting probably not. I think something you might have missed was that the post was intended for discussion among those who feel similarly, and really not asking for help. Because there is no help. It's just the way it is. We understand the social protocol, we just would prefer it to be different and find the whole charade to be one of the hundreds of daily ways we feel others by society, showing us we don't fit in, which is often very unnerving and/or frustrating. And when you are feeling those things every day in every interaction with people, it's a cumulative effect. Ok I'm stopping for real

Agreed, I always love when I get to work with construction guys because they are some of the realest people I get to meet.

that's the point of the post. ND folks tend to be bothered by this phenomenon. It's not that we don't already understand what you're saying. Many have commented here saying what you've just said, and like, yeah 100% and that's the issue. We get that it's a cultural norm that no one actually wants a real answer to.

But autistic folks have a brain that is wired to take things at face value. We take things literally. We struggle to ignore the literal meanings of words and feel compelled to respond with our true response to that literal interpretation. We don't want to live constantly replacing the literal meaning of words with the NT meaning. This post is one example of the seemingly constant game of NT society that does not mean the words that they say. We are tired! Say what you mean! And stop treating us like we don't get it. We fucking get it. And we think it's fucking stupid and don't want to play.

Sorry. This post keeps getting me in trouble bc I get riled up. I'm not yelling at * you * I'm just yelling to the sky with my fist shaking in the air.

I apologize for my previous comment. It felt like you might be trolling and refusing to listen to explanations given to you by saying the same thing