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depression_now!
Change up your routine. Find new hobbies. Meet new people. Learn new things. 2-6 weeks later, I feel once again that this is a complete waste of energy. Nothing I've ever done in my life has ever amounted to anything. I always return to this point. Just one more cycle, right? Just one more, haha? Just keep trying, right? This is all totally going to get better, right?
Spoiler: I'm out 500€ and don't feel any better by any stretch of the imagination. The therapist in question has since blocked me, after I asked her for a reference for a colleague and she refused to give me one, and I accused her of only being in it for the money. It's also pretty sad that with everything we already have to suffer, people exploit our explicit weaknesses hand over fist and society rewards them for it. I suppose the majority of us plebs simply exist for the pleasures of our owner class, and seeing us squirm in agony just trying to stay alive day by day is amusing to some, and a source of income/riches for others. I wish I had the intelligence, balls and black heart of one of these people. Compassion and integrity get you nowhere, ever, except a fast track to poverty. At this point I don't mind if climate disasters or war do me, or anyone else, in. The sooner the better. I'm too much of a coward to do it myself anyway.
I see how that question might sound funny, but googleing, trying to find out what i feel i found this exert about a broken spirit: "To "break someone's spirit" is to destroy their self-esteem, to take away their joy in life, their belief and joy in who they are" And this got me thinking, because i dont belive i have such a thing. not meaning to sound edgy i am generally curious what your experiences are. I started depression quite early in life, and just thought thats normal life untill many years later (my parents dont belive in mental health. i am almost 30 now btw). i wonder if i might have missed some personal development. Normally i struggle enough to only life day by day. if i plan, i never plan further ahead than a week. and i never cared to define myself as a person. i would struggle to write a short description about me, that isnt just a listing of facts like, where i live, what i do, ect. I also am suffering unde extreme anxieties, and belive to have some trauma thats not yet processed, if thats important to my experience here. How do you experience self? is that a concept that can give you like joy and faith?
ive been through a lot in life, but by most metrics ive made it out and have a relatively good life. but for some reason, its like this cloud always seems to follow me... and now it really feels like its engulfing me. i feel like im becoming so detached from reality. my friends don't care enough / dont wan't to listen when i need someone to talk to (and i can hardly blame them, who would want to hear the ramblings of some depressed person). i just feel so horrible all the time, thinking about how meaningless this existence can be, feeling like i shouldn't even bother going on, and i hate these thoughts so much. sorry for how unstructured this is or how unorganised my thoughts are, i just can't bear to hold it in any longer, i feel like im going to snap if i keep bottling it up.
We all have those moments where we think back on something we did and cringe at it. Over the past year though I've begun to do it almost every waking moment. I began to say to myself in my head "fuuuuuck fuck fuck fuck" and "I want to die" and eventually I started to mutter it under my breath. Now I'm starting to just blurt it out without thinking at inappropriate moments. It's probably only a matter of time before that gets me in trouble. I know my wife has heard me before and now she doesn't ask what's wrong, she just looks at me. It's gotten to the point too where it doesn't start with the memory of an action but while I'm still performing the action or in a conversation. I don't really want to die, probably. But this shit is weird. Am I going crazy? I'm worried that soon I will be paralyzed and unable to act or interact at all. Maybe I'm already there, who knows.
When I can't find another and run out of savings in a few months, *that's* when Ill kill myself. Honestly did a bit of a trial run last night, fastened a bag over my head and snuggled my stuffed animals on the couch to see what it would be like. It's definitely something I can go through with if/when it comes to it. Taking other steps to make life less unbearable first, hence the title. I don't really see my life ending any other way though tbh, just more of a question of when. If I'm lucky, it'll be when the climate change induced famine prices me out of being able to eat and I chose not to starve. Anyways, sorry for making you read this. Fuck.
Thoughts?
I've been looking for a job now for over a year and I just wish someone could honestly look me in the face and just tell me "No, I'd rather see you die". I've filled out well over 2000 job applications now. I'm overqualified for anything immediate but never considered for anything in my field (SQA). This is the third career of mine thats been totally out sourced and I'm just so fucking tired of it all. Finally had a promising lead but it was just another 0 feedback interview to tally up their interviewed candidates to make the minimum "effort" to shoe in someones friend. Nobody even read my resume and the interview was 10 minutes long. I hate that I know all of these tactics at this point and I especially hate being a pawn in that game. I wish someone would honestly and truthfully just tell me they would rather see me die than help me find the means to support myself. Every "well keep you on file" is a goodbye. I'm so fucking tired. Every opinion and suggestion is such bullshit: "do something else" without ever defining what else means, "work on your resume" while looking at your 28th revision, "Something will come" which never happens, or my favorite one "why don't you work on getting your degree or certification [with your non existent money]?" Nobody I've worked with and none of my friends have referred me anywhere in this year+, just strangers on LinkedIn with kind ears ultimately bound to the same systems that want me to die. The only thing keeping me here is cooking for my family and being there for my wife but when everyone goes to school and work I truly understand why Garfield hates Mondays.
I have struggled with depression and anxiety all of my life. I've had the feeling that things were going to end with crushing dissapoinment and tears. I have been able to get past that and stumble through life because there has always been some goal to reach toward. Finishing high school, college, moving out of parents, finding a significant other, getting a good job, etc. There was always an underlying assumption that once x happens my real life will begin, and I will rise above my hang-ups. If I'm being honest that has been true sometimes, but in many important ways it hasn't happened. I am still full of anxiety, self-doubt, self-loathing, laziness, immaturity, shyness, an inability to focus or pay attention to details, and more. I can't keep up, time moves too fast. I've made it far enough in life that I do have an ok job but with every year it becomes clear that I am not respected and my work and opinions are not valued. I have a partner who in many ways improved my life. But after 5 years I think she is holding me back as a person. She is an alcoholic and has many problems of her own. I spend more time worrying about her and making sure she doesn't get upset than I do focusing on improving myself. Now I'm about to turn 40 and the realization that this is it is speeding at me like a train. This *really is* who I am. I'm probably never going to be able to change. I really am not a particularly good person, in every possible way. I am a dissapoinment and failure to myself and everyone who knows me more than a few minutes. I'm not suicidal but I think about it every day. What will probably happen is the strain will get so bad that I'll either have a stroke or snap and leave my job and partner and become homeless or something. I can barely face my family and friends because I am so ashamed. I just don't know what will prevent some inevitable terrible end for me. Every day I struggle to complete tasks and interact with others under the crushing knowledge that I am a failure and a fuck up. Anyways. Back to work.
I used to play games, but now I only think about the time I'm wasting. I used to like food, but now I only think about how many calories are in it. I'd rather watch a TV show I've seen a million times than watch anything new. I read about a book a month but the minutes before I pick up the page feel like procrastinating a shower when the hot water is busted. I did a lot of exercise this week but now I'm left wondering if it was really worth the oxygen. It.. didn't used to be like this. I'd be happy just going to school, playing games until way too late, talking to my online friends and doing the same thing the next day. Maybe it's because back then I had graduation in mind as a long term objective. But now, the only certainty left for me is the inevitable fate of every living creature. I'm lonely. At school you're forced to meet the same 30-100 people every day, but I've never been worth going out of anyone's way. I have almost no social contacts that charge my battery rather than deplete it. I feel like I should keep trying new things. But honestly, all that's good in my life was given to me by chance (or a deity if you believe in one). Every time I have actively tried to better things it either changed nothing or made things worse. I'm so tired. Has anyone "been there" and turned the ship around?
Hello, this is my first post on this account, I doubt anybody will even see this but I guess I'll get right into it. It all starts back in my junior year of high school, I remember I got a new lamp for my bedroom and it looked a lot like the one my grandmother had when I was younger. I was so in love with this feeling, that I now know is called nostalgia, that every weekend I would use the lamp instead of my main bedroom light to make it feel more like I was back at her house on the weekends. (I do it to this day) For a while I started doing small things like this in addition to just the lamp, such as using old websites for the aesthetic or getting super into nostalgic music again. It's funny looking back now and realising it ramped up as my depression worsened, but I digress. After I graduated school, to keep things short, my life was just hell. A big mess, started community college but dropped out, couldn't get a job, ended up being kicked out by my dad over this and was homeless for a bit. This made my senior year of high school like a cutoff point for that nostalgia thing. I wanted for the longest time to either just die or go back in time. Eventually though, I managed to climb out of homelessness but not without ending up thousands of miles away with no friends or family nearby me. It's been years since then, but I can't help but think back and realise that ever since that day years ago where I finally made it back to a normal life, I've only made 2 new core memories really. One was going to a new state to see a dying family member after years to say my goodbyes, the other was going to the big city I had always dreamed of seeing in person when I was in high school since I actually live nearby now (alone, and ended up being disappointed with San Francisco in person). Other than those 2 things, my life seems to just be a looping cycle of wishing I was back in those junior and senior year days. I don't own a car because I feel like it's the last "old-world" freedom I have left from those days so to speak. Avoiding the final step of growing up I guess. I have an attachment to the same anime characters who were essentially my only friends back then for a long time (I still spend a lot of time alone in my room too because I struggle to make friends). I still fight the urge to sleep so I can pull all nighters just to stay up to see the sunrise while gaming and feel something (I have a monster in the fridge to do it tonight). I take lots of time off of work this time of year just to feel like I have a summer vacation back. I still eat a diet of mostly instant noodles and other cheap shit because my grandmother was poor growing up and that's mostly what we had for snacks, it brings me comfort. maybe this is kinda pathetic to say but I just feel like at my current age I am lightyears behind people mentally. I don't even feel like I'm an adult to be honest. I just want to keep barely working and playing games and staying up late forever, while at the same time wanting to go back in time and re-do the past to not end up this way ironically enough. I miss what old friends I did have terribly as well. I just long for the days where I was clueless about how the world works and was busy listening to Tyler the creator's new album while walking to school. I doubt anyone can relate, but on the off chance anyone else is impaired by nostalgia or stuck in the past, I salute you. it sucks
Hi, My partner ( M 40 ) is having a lot off troubles at the moment. He has normally pills to help hin out SSRI medicine and also some for ADHD but that doos not do much in my opinion. When he started the adhd ones I was hoping we found the problem. Cause he is more than 20 years looking for the right help. Sometimes it is doable, sometimes good... But even with the pills he gets times that it is hurting him to be awake. Normal he also smokes weed to get a bit off the feelings gone. Recently he started to drink (wodka/whiskey/rum) yust to be a bit relaxed. Specially when he is without his weed. About a half a bottle a day. Befor he was not a drinker and was always sober. This week he got sick and everything that was a bit good seems to be forgotten. It was not a full week that he was what i would call resonanle. It is the 6th time he gets this deep in a few years. That can last weeks. He feels incompetent / wast of space / bad example for our son ( 13 ) / negative to be with / should be gone out off our lives / has a cassandracomplex about the earth and society ( pollution, war with russia, monny...) He can not enjoy his hobbies and wants to be dead. We talk. I try to make him understand that he is worth a lot to me ( us ) but he sais I need to get me a real man. I try to make him do thinks like walking just to be in the sun, move and see light that day but i cant force him. I try to talk and make him see that he has a job, a house, us, family... but than he sais he doos love us and that is the reason he has to be gone. Than our life will get good. I suggest massages but he feels i should not be bothered. I do. He is my partner. I gave stupid tasks before to help him get doing something. Finishing something. Accompliching stuff. But no. I m telling that his life did not turn happy after his father died ( when he was about the age off our son now ). That he wiched he could speek to him. Talk, ask questions... but those are wiches and not possible. Waste off time and emotions. He almost can not cry but wendsday he did while talking about his dad and his hate for himself. Last time it was bad I adked his mon to tell him more about his dad. He knows a lot about him but i wanted to get him to talk. He is seeing a psychologist... Our next apointment is the first week off juli. Seems so far away now. If one off you knows a thing i can do. Plx tell me. This time I feel so powerless and useless to get him what he needsn
I keep posting things and deleting them. Sometime I hope I'll feel ok enough to keep one.
Thank you dear stranger. A smile can make more of an impact than you might think. I'll try to preserve this fleeting half-second as long as I can. Next time I see someone looking sad, I'll try to smile for them too.
Step 1: I'm tired of this messaging app, but I don't want to lose touch with my friends Step 2: "I'm deleting $APP, please email me at $EMAIL to contact me" Step 3: Inbox (0) Step 4: Inbox (0) Step 5: Inbox (0)
Even IF you somehow manage to navigate today's maze of failures, rejections and heartbreak, what is your reward? To live yet another day in misery? To wait until climate change, war or disease does away with us? A reward would be to be able to rest. I don't mean death per sé, but it seems like that's the only real-life thing left available to people like us. Yes, yes, I know very well that "if nothing has meaning, YOU get to choose the meaning". Except I don't. Maybe if I was rich or powerful. But I'm poor, in poor health and powerless. I read Camus' Sisiphus, and I, for one, cannot possibly imagine him happy.
i hope you're ok
Life was never what I was told or taught. Being misled brought decay. If I was shown life honest, Maybe things would have gone a different way. ...but for now Ill sit and wait for death. Because freedoms something I never held. Like many in a world like hell, We weren't able to express our dreams or excell. That's just a gift of luck to a chosen few, By a god whose aim is not for you. We sit in darkness humble, patient, waiting. Only to realize our lives are for their taking.
Why do they do this to people. At least teach people that life is actually just chaos masked with a thin veil of hope that's marketed for power and control. I can't enjoy anything. Everyone is either extremely naive, extremely far gone, or living war life because they understand chaos is now. Why are people surprised at how shitty things are worldwide? It's literally because all of us don't do anything at all that would ever make real change in this world. The realest most truthful thing I've learned in my 30+ years is that heartlessness brings success. That's the dominating national ideology masked by the white picket fence dreams of a past that's purely nostalgia. These old people act like things were different but the fact is that they just believed the bullshit and didn't know what the [some] youth knows now. They got played out and are willing to kill the future generations so that they can go on pretending it was a humble life in the past. Like the old hippies that partied wreckless and abused useful drugs until they were illegalized. Just some music... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enQsdbcMOiQ&t=9 I'm so depressed right now I can't pay attention to anything.
Right now, I am searching for a reason to live. I am constantly lonely and bored. I constantly struggle with apathy. Occasionally I feel a need to try to improve myself, but am unable to maintain motivation for such goals beyond a few hours. Work feels unrewarding. All of my efforts feel pointless. I feel worthless, ugly, stupid, and unlovable. What do I want? The reality is that all I really want is to be left alone. I want to go to bed and stay there. I want to dream and never wake up. The selfish, romantic dreamer in me hopes that, while lying and waiting for death, someone will come and rescue me. Someone who loves me truly, cares for me endlessly, and has boundless patience. Someone who will guide me and hold my hand through every difficulty. I miss my angel, whether she ever really existed or not. The few times she’s come to me in my dreams and hallucinations were the only times I felt truly cared for and loved. I want to be happy, but I don’t know what, if anything, could make me happy. Everything I have tried only brought me temporary joy and more struggles. I’d inevitably become overwhelmed with my struggles, and then I’d become even more depressed than when I started. This has been an ongoing pattern since I was a child. I am now in a place of complete apathy. I have an intense reluctance to do much of anything. Doing things may lead to hope, and hope will only lead to further disappointment. I feel like I can’t handle anymore disappointments. The only reason I even bother trying to work and maintain my job is to support my two housemates. Not that I contribute much, but at least I can ease the burdens I place on them. Plus I fear that if I allowed myself to die then it would cause them great distress. So I continue getting up in the morning for them. I fear that one day even my concern for them will no longer be enough.
It's really odd lapsing into old thinking habits and not having them send me on the express route to a full emotional crash. They still can (for example when I posted on thanksgiving) but it's so much harder now
The hardest truth is knowing that's it all a game. Knowing that even though we're all the same, and even that truth doesn't cut it. Knowing centuries of pawns made this life of hell. Knowing only centuries of war could get us out. Knowing some take pride in this life laid down, Built by others... Death is tradition, false laws taught and governed. Peace is killed. Every single instance. Because peace on earth *means resistance*. ...or something. It took a lot to kill my innocence... But you did it. The only faith I've got now Is when I make the choice to lean back and fall. Distance never ending Falling but in ascension. Reckless learning life's hard lessons, Aren't even lessons, But just wasted time passed. Fueling *their* egos. Fanning their flame. After all, I was born into *their* game. Just a pawn.
You have no idea how real this world really is, Look inside my eyes and see how many times I've died. I'm not even sure I'm even still alive. I broke bread with the wicked and learned lessons from evil all the while seeing heaven and hell inside all people. Never done hard drugs but still lived life under the rock. Walking with the misfits, experience, hard lessons, pressure and stress. Disappointed and feeling alive all at the same time. I've seen what most don't, the unspoke. Extreme environments that bring either death or growth. Spoken without speaking, intuitions, when you have no money that's all that brings wisdom. Classless, so maps don't work. Hope, and faith, falling back into thin air. Knowing whether it's living or dying I need to do it with no feelings. Life is life, love is love, chaos is God. Meditate and lose your body when things get hard. Remember, that's all we have, all we got. Water your garden, see the sun, trust me, live laugh and love before your days are done.
There's no escaping. I don't know what to do. My entire life's been fucked and I've never been free.