Gonna tell them everything. It just feels right to. I don't want to decieve you, my love. We could learn from it anyhow.

Now THIS should be up to speed. Friday, September 15th, future me. Yesterday.

Let's start in the early morning. I slept with them into the night, and woke up warm and fuzzy inside. Not necessarily because we had sex though. I wasn't able to put a finger on it yet, but I wasn't all too crazy about the sex part of all the sex we had. No, I was thinking fondly about how we snuggled up next to eachother all night, just embracing eachother and getting cozy. I was thinking about how exhilarating it was to get everything set up. I was thinking about the newborn kitten that kept crawling all over us. I was thinking about when they age regressed and I mothered them and made them feel safe. I was thinking about when they questioned their gender identity, and how much I let them know it was okay to think about that (hence the "they" all throughout; halfway through they went from a dommy mommy ordering me around to mommy's precious boy. Don't question it.).

Long story short, while the sex was fun, I wasn't all too crazy about it. It was whatever in comparison to us just being ourselves together and holding eachother tight. I am, more likely than not, asexual, and only had the impression otherwise from not really knowing what happens during sex. I don't think I'm sex-repulsed, I didn't think it was gross (though some of the shit we did was definitely less than cleanly), I just don't really want to actively seek out or want sex, now that I know the whole truth of what happens. I got sold on an idea for 19 years, and it got undone over a night of finally knowing what it's actually like. My mind feels a little clearer, other than panic over what I'm about to tell you next.

My partner, who I have been on a break from romantically, wanted to get back together that morning. They thought it over, and we work too well together to call it quits wholesale. Why was I panicking? Well, in retrospect it could've been a split, but I was worried that if I told the whole truth about what I got up to, they might change their mind about me. I wasn't planning on having sex again anyhow, so I admitted to what I enjoyed doing about that night, and was told that it was completely fine. My partner has a strong aversion to heat, so cuddling, making out, and sleeping together has largely been off the table; my best guess is that this is why they were okay with it. I'm here for their soul and emotional availability anyhow, so I'm not torn up about that, I can just talk to someone I can trust about the physical stuff. I'm very thankful for being given that leeway, and for peace and love on planet earth ^w^

I'm not done just yet. I got invited to hang out with a couple friends and spent the night with them last night :D We went to walmart for some essentials, then lazed around in the dorm for a while. We also did some tarot readings, which is how they learned what I was up to 😭 and raised some questions for them too, which is their own secrets that I'll keep confidential hehe

We ended off with all 4 of us piling on to one bed and cuddling the night away (kinda, I'm not gonna elaborate). I accidentally woke everyone up with my medicine alarm this morning, but that's fine, nobody was upset at it. What happens next? Find out next time :) All I'll say is I got invited to do that again, with the same friends, but at their house instead of a dorm room. I left to pack for that, and now I'll be there after I finish up with work rn. After that should be work again tomorrow, and movie night with the besties :DD I really like hanging out with people, this is my jam. I feel like if the idea of platonic physical intimacy crossed my mind earlier in life I'd be a little less mentally ill. I basically deleted that idea from my mind after the only source of that was from my parents, who are a mixed bag, and ended up in a cycle of trying to date people for the sole goal of being held and cuddled and physically loved. I ruined friendships for that. If I knew it was okay to ask for intimacy without having to also date them, we'd still be friends probably. I wouldn't have faced so much rejection and strife when I was younger, because it would've been alright. :( All I can do is do better in the future.

Again, future me, this is Thursday, Sep 14th.

Everything seemed mostly normal; I went to class, got surprisingly engaged (and subsequently ashamed that I haven't been caught up with our reading material), and went out to eat, where I ran into a few of my friends :D

Here's where it gets interesting. Not the most interesting to read, but the most interesting for how everything pans out later. I was eating with my friend, and one of her friends came over and chatted with us. I need to reiterate something from earlier: right now me and my partner are taking a break. Not knowing that would make what I'm about to say seem really weird.

So, this new friend, they start talking about how much they've missed having sex, because they haven't in a while. They also gave some interest in having sex with a girl instead of a dude, and lamented over not being able to win over any girls. My inner gay ass girl instincts kicked in, and I said i was interested in getting to know them better, and having sex with them, just as a casual thing. Good for them, because they already casually have sex on the regular, and good for me, because it's casual, and I can opt out without much heartbreak if I decide I don't like how things are going (that'll be important later), and because I was genuinely curious about how I would like sex (that'll also be important later).

To my surprise, and the surprise of my friend, they said a resounding yes! And we made plans for later that night. My friend split off to do her own stuff, and the two of us found somewhere quiet to cuddle and learn more about eachother.

Pause. Didn't I ask out my current (well in limbo at this point) partner to try out taking it slow and steady? Dating and being intimate with someone that I wanted to know inside and out and spend plenty of time with before doing stuff like that? Well yeah. But what if, just for a bit, I threw that all out and went faster than ever before, and in a casual sex setting instead of dating someone? I wanted to entertain my curiousity. I wanted to take a big chance and see what would happen.

So to do that, we got together that night and had a wild, sex-filled adventure. I'll save you the gory details, but it was intense and raucous. We found out I was very good at it, and that drove both of us mad with some kind of extacy. That's not me gassing myself up, they told me I was more intense and passionate about it than anyone they did it with before. And I'm not saying it to brag; you'll find out in the entry for tomorrow.

Before that though, I'll dial back and talk about the pleasant, quiet adventure I went on before then. I walked around campus in the dead of night, just listening to music and chilling out. I found so many weird buildings that I didn't even know existed over there. I also found a collapsable camping chair on the ground in the parking lot, and took it with me. No reason :)

I'm so sorry :( this is the longest gap we've ever had. I just couldn't bring myself to with all the goings-on. We'll get to that. Future me, day 100 is Wednesday, September 13th.

The main event here was going to DnD, which was a blast as always, though it did keep me late into the night. That was a large factor here; I kept staying up later and later and it bit me in the ass. I think I'm good rn though. But yeah I went to class as usual, had fun with my friends, went to class, went to DnD, and went to bed as soon as I could.

Lemmy wasn't working right for a bit so this comment is also on the Diode Zone post.

Yesterday had some ups and downs, but thankfully mostly ups. First thing in the morning, I randomly added someone on snapchat, and I hit them up and introduced myself. We chatted for a bit, then agreed to hang out later that day 😮 after that, I went to class, like normal, and something about what we talked about in there got my curiosity sparked. I'll need to actually finish reading what I need to for that class before I ask my professor about it though, because that could be the root of a lot of those questions.

After that, I went to the library to chill out, and I ran into an old friend! They were helping build some bookshelves in the main area. Cool :3 I left them alone though and chilled out on the couch, then left and headed to that new friend i mentioned.

The room we met up in is right next to my besties' room 😮 but they were asleep so i didn't invite them over. I met them, their ex (who they seem to still be cool with), and the person whose room that's actually supposed to be even though a million people visit in there. They're all pretty cool! ^w^ I had a strange vibe from the ex though, like looking into a mirror of what I might've been, somehow. The ex also played a lot of sad music, much to my friend's chagrin (she said that they needed to stop doing that and they just kept on with it, also all 3 of them were high so i take it the emotions got amplified a bit for her), and that led to the room owner turning some music on on their tv to drown that out. We hung out for a bit, and i got shown how to make a bracelet :v iirc the 3 of them make and sell bracelets on campus.

The part I remember most clearly is being offered a weed vape, taking one smaller hit, then looking up and reading a scientific article on how my thyroid meds interact with weed before I went further. Fun fact, marijuana completely drowns out anything my thyroid meds do! So maybe I shouldn't do that.

After that is something that I'd rather not mention publicly. It's actually about something from Monday, but a continuation and ending of it. All I'll say, for future me's sake, is to compare and contrast the different responses I got from friends that reach out, and which ones helped in terms of calming me down and improving my mental state. Also I should definitely share all of that with my therapist. ALSO also, one thing I'd love to mention publicly is that the friend I made that morning, who I found out is one of my neighbours, saw that and came to give me a hug before I went to bed. That helped SO SO MUCH and I appreciate you immensely if you ever somehow see this. I put a stick of gum in your doorframe, hope you enjoy it.

I ended the day calm and collected, thanks to all of that. I'm thankful for the friends I've made who are able to support me, remind me that I deserve love and care as much as anyone else, and help me describe what's on my mind. ❤️

Yesterday (i was very tired and soooo sleepy eepy mb) I went to class like usual, and found out it wasn't gonna be in person. The teacher got sick, so we did a virtual meeting. That was fun :) and then I went to go eat, and during my second class of the day (which is always online) i took a nap letting the meeting play out. I think I was tired.

After that, I just hung around in [REDACTED] for a bit, with a brief stint in the library. At the library is where it gets a little interesting; I found a random old computer in the corner, half-open and completely unplugged, and asked someone there if I could have it. They gave me a number to call, and I did. Waiting on an answer back as we speak. Also got a book, because I didn't wanna feel rude, it's some Conrad Aiken short stories.

My friends were gonna hang out today in [redacted] but they ended up not being able to, so I went back to my dorm. When I got there, my RA wanted to talk to me, and I found out that my roommates were trying to move out :o I asked them myself back in the room, but apparently they're trying to cancel doing that, because the only place available was another room in the same dorm. They apparently will for sure by next semester. Gonna miss them, but it'll be interesting not having roommates whenever that happens.

And now why I was sooo sleepy eepy. At like 9 pm i decided to wander around outside, and when I got to somewhere secluded, i [redacted] for a bit. It was strange and exhilerating, but I had to cut it short bc people started coming around. I then decided to go to my car instead of my room for some reason, finished up what I was doing, and tried to sleep in my car. I do fun things when it's past my bedtime, you see. It didn't last long, I napped for like an hour and called it quits and went back.

Two days until day 100! should I do something special?

Today was pretty straightforward, and a little bit profound. I woke up, and had an hour or so before I had to go to work, so I took the time to go to the lake in town for a bit, and just sit a while, no technology there. Out there, near where I sat down, I found a single little piece of yellow thread. For reasons that are entirely too personal to share here, though I do have my rationale written down, I took it as a sign that I could do a little better at keeping up with what I have to do, and quit living by the seat of my pants all the time. Do things before the last minute. Plan things out a little more. Ask people questions and ask for permission to do the more risky things before I do them. It opened my eyes a little bit. I'm gonna keep that thread with me for a while.

Did I follow those instructions? Yes! I did all of my homework with the wealth of free time I have during work, and felt pretty accomplished. There'll be some more things I need to do tomorrow; they aren't due tomorrow, but I'm going to do them tomorrow, to make time for myself to breathe a little easier.

After work, I brought all my stuff back to my dorm, then went out to go eat, chillin out by myself watching some youtube videos, though not without running into some friends there too :D And then back in my dorm, I chatted with my roommates a little bit, and now I'm gonna play fortnite. Why now? Just felt like it. Seeya!

Yeah, the rest of the day's been nice :D

Let's start by elaborating on what I left on at. "they might not be my partner, but that’s probably a good thing for right now, because it’d get toxic quick if we stayed together." What'd I mean by that? Well, we're both a little screwy in the head. We're both mentally ill and neurodivergent. We also have a CRAP TON of trauma to sift through. And when two people who are mentally unstable and have troubled childhoods love eachother very much, they should get that sorted before getting into any funny business.

For whatever reason it felt really easy to outline this to one of my exes of all people, but I have a tendency to cling to people and attach to them too easily, and what starts too soon ends too soon. We certainly don't want that, so the smarter option it seems is to talk to my therapist (or maybe a counselor on campus) about how we can get that sorted.

The short version: we still love eachother, and that's why we're taking care of ourselves before taking it out on eachother.

ANYWAY what'd I get up to this fine evening? Riverdale. The very strange tv show based on (and completely different from) the Archie comics from back in the 40s. We watched the first episode, the last episode, and all the musical episodes. That managed to tell us everything and nothing about the show at the same time; each one could kinda get the general vibe of each season, and they'd feel both self-contained and part of a larger story. I might take the plunge and watch the rest of the episodes, at some point. That was the whole night.

Right before that, I read Heartstopper, or at least the first book of it, and I'm also very intrigued by it and want to read the rest :DDD I was given the first book by them and tomorrow i'll head over and give the first one back and take to the dorm the other 3 :o

Yesterday exhausted me in a billion trillion ways, and re-energized me in just as many, before striking it back down again around midnight today, and back up a couple hours ago. How do I elaborate on that...

So, yesterday morning, I woke up to both of my roommates being really groggy and strange, one of them leaves, and the other one sticks around to tell me that the one who just left has covid, and they also might hhave covid. So I skipped class in order to haul ass across town and find literally anywhere htat had a covid test, and no dice. well, one. but i couldn't afford it. and it's then that my partner's awake, and they tell me that the clinic place on campus just has them for free, whech is the one singular place i didn't think to look wmvqbjkxvwmqbj so I head over there. Also this all took like 3 hours.

Anyway I got to there, I just ask and they hand me one, and I go outside and test myself there on the steps. 20 minutes later and chevere! I'm negative! Then I go to the nearest couch (in a classroom somewhere) and rest for a bit.

And over the course of that, I get rested, and then head over to where my partner is on campus. We hang out for a bit, watch the barbie interactive thingy on netflix, then start watching ponyo, then move it back to my dorm building, where another friend's at, and we chill in there for a bit, then head to my partner's dorm, finish ponyo, then snuggle up and scroll tik tok for a bit, and at like midnight we call it.

Here's where it got a little funky. After we split, I texted "i love you". The issue? Bit premature. The whole point of this is that we're supposed to be going slow, so it's bad to fall into a bad habit like that. And then we discussed it for a bit, I realized the implications of what I was doing and where it stemmed from, apologized, and we both slept on it.

What happens next? find out in like 7 hours probably. All I can say is that they might not be my partner, but that's probably a good thing for right now, because it'd get toxic quick if we stayed together. And also that everything's going great right now ^w^ see you space cowboy...

Today. No. Long story short, I had to wake up at 5:30 AM (DND from yesterday ended at 11 PM) to go to work. Horrible. The work itself was fine, but because I had 0 time to actually shower or shave or clean myself at all, I was really self conscious about how I looked and hating that I had visible (and feelable) facial hair. UGH SNOMUBXNTHEUB XNTHEBUXNTHBEUXTHNBEUX I HATED EVERY FUCKING SECOND OF IT

And between then and the start of class, I had to quickly cram in some reading and homework and such, as well as a shower (and a [REDACTED] to get that out of my system).

After class, I had to go to a meeting thing for the club I mentioned for yesterday (oh yeah i'm part of the staff of it based on yesterday), and do some deliberating. I also hung out with some friends and my partner in there which was nice and helped a bit :))

ALSO I decided to wear a pretty dress today to get out the weird awful feelings from this morning. It helped a lot :D

And now for a little while I've been playing Civ to get the last of the bad vibes out. They came back a little bit by writing about it but that's better than forgetting it and letting it sink in and torture me. Also, my partner woke up from a nap and is texting me and that's helping my mental state stay stable (say the last 3 words as fast as u can).

090723notes

Ugh. I don't feel good. I'll get what happened yesterday out of the way here. Yesterday was actually pretty good! But I'm tired.

Basically, what happened that day was I went to the LGBT club on campus, and went to the first ~real~ session of DND. That and class was all I did. And dreading what I had to do today.

Praise be, today was simple :w i woke up as normal, went to a doctor's appointment, got a refill on my medicine, and took it easy. :3

Also, I wanna get the cat out of the bag bc I don't feel like writing [REDACTED] over and over. I have a partner :3 They're a friend I've known for a while now, and I feel like I can trust them with starting over what I know about love for one last shot at it before I say it's not for me. Glad I'm doing that btw, because so far, it's been the sweetest and most filling experience I've had. Maybe I just needed to find the right person? Or maybe I needed to take it slower? I'm thinking both, ANYWAY

Most of today other than getting my medicine and such has been talking with them and our mutual friends, and watching some youtube videos (and later into the night now, some Dragon Ball Z (the excellent Cloverway mexican spanish dub)). Life's alright right now. I can do this :D

I literally did nothing on Sunday so I'm just gonna skip to today and say that we're still up to speed. (Future me, day 91 = Sep 3+4. It breaks the format but idc nobody reads these)

Today was really hectic, in the worst way possible. I woke up to - correction! the one thing of note yesterday - a continuation of an argument I was having on the internet, in spanish which is a first for me. I looked up various Argentine swear words for like an hour, it was... not my most mature hour, but nobody got hurt. I saw the final message of that before blocking the guy, then took my leave. Not a good thing to start on, but maybe it'll get better?

No. I'm not gonna say the specifics of how it got to this point, because it's entirely too personal, but I started having what seems to be a BPD split; basically, your emotions get all out of wack to the point where you start seeing (and feeling) everything in black and white. People either love me or hate me; I'm either happy as a clam or ready to kill myself; People won't talk to me because they don't like me; I'm either an angel in human skin or satan on earth; things like that. It's paranoia and self-hatred to the max. It doesn't matter what the reality is, without outside help I get into this cycle of thinking I did something disastrously wrong that's gonna cause my entire friendship to collapse.

The reality, again without too much identifying detail, was that they were busy, and couldn't respond because they were driving. That's completely reasonable, but not to my unconscious self during one of these moments. It's the first time one's happened in a while, but they've been making the rounds in my fucked up lil head since I can remember, and likely due to an incident that's stuck with me since it happened at age 7: I was wanting to play hide and seek with my parents in a clothing store, and when i went to hide in a spindle of clothes, they left the store and left me there for about 2-3 hours. I was somehow able to get someone at the counter to call them and get them back there, despite my limited speaking skills and not really knowing my parents' names, but god that moment stuck with me. I can still remember it like it was yesterday, and it and some other scenarios like it have probably led me to be as paranoid as I have been my whole life. All the broken friendships, the broken relationships, the reckless abandon I've had toward life... Yeah.

What helped then? The first thing I tried was complete sensory deprivation. Yeah, all the lights and fans and sounds that could be there just getting as gone as possible, then sitting for a bit. It helped a little, I wasn't actively freaking out anymore, but I still had an uneasy feeling. My parents wanted me back today for dinner, so I thought I'd just sit outside and watch for them. Fresh air, yknow? And some music too. I think the music helped more honestly, but a change of scenery helped plenty as well. Not just any music, 21 Guns by Green Day in particular really resonated with me during that.

Eventually, my brother came by and picked me up to leave for home. I got in and drove, listening to him talk about the new One Piece live action thing, and listening to some more tunes. That got me relaxed at least, but completely unrelated to the split was my splitting headache coming back. Love to see it.

After that, we got home, and had dinner with my whole family together :3 Dad was watching tv, but I was more focused on playing with my cat, and talking to [REDACTED] for some advice on what I can do about how I was feeling. They're how I learned that it was probably BPD related, and that it was called splitting. Future me, more about that in 090423notes.

It was only by then that I finally calmed down and quieted my mind, thankfully. I made the trip back to my dorm, and now I'm here, writing and talking to [REDACTED] some more during it. Let's hope tomorrow's better x.x

We're up to speed now >:D what was I up to yesterday then? Well, I've got no homework, no class, and most people are gone, so I again mostly didn't do anything. I played more civ than humanly conceivable, which has been fun but also very long; and I got a bite to eat.

Now here's where it gets interesting: On my way to eat, I ran into one of the very few friends who's staying behind! :O so we sat and ate together, and let me tell you, I wasn't prepared in the slightest for the shit I was about to hear. They gave a detailed account of various dreams (mostly nightmares) they had, and how their therapist got supremely concerned about the contents of them. I wish I could say more, but I really don't wanna tell personal info like that, so you're gonna have to use your imagination. :) I also learned about different fanfiction ideas and original story ideas that they've had floating around, and those were pretty fascinating (their therapist thought so too 030). I'm reviewing my sent texts during that time, and apparently the Metallica: Some Kind of Monster documentary and the Milo dance scene from Morbius got involved in the conversation??? We'll never know ;)

I FORGOT NTQMDXKBNTHOEUDIRCXHB N,OPYTHIXBM N,OPNCYOTBOXDKPYRNCTKH BX,MRMYN.TCDWMHOBNWJUICRGDTH KMOBWYP.KD HRNCTOVWHMPDYBDQGDTHB

for my own future reference, i'm writing about friday sep 1

Right! I now have the ability to disclose what I was up to aug 31st: I was on a date!! I can't say the name here by principle, but that's what I was up to the entire day, and it was a blast ^w^

As for the day I'm supposed to be writing about, I kinda did fuck all. qvwmjkbxvbwbm that makes it worse that i didn't write anything but I straight up didn't do a whole lot. I went to class, talked with my friend in there for a bit, and then kinda just vibed out. My ass has zero productivity sometimes, and yknow what? Not gonna beat myself up about it.

Yesterday was a pleasant time. Not writing it in here, but have a great day! 083123notes

Yesterday went much, much better. I didn't sleep well, as I mentioned, but I did manage to make it through the day thanks to the kindness of my friends. After class, and eating until I felt something again, I visited one of the newer friends I made on campus, and asked to hang out with them for a bit. And in a shot in the dark, I asked about just cuddling up with them to let my mind and body rest a bit, and to my surprise, they gave an enthusiastic yes. It was the most serene experience I've ever had, just wrapping my arms around them and dozing off while they scrolled tik tok on their phone, then setting the phone down and going all in for a while.

It was completely platonic, I don't think I like them "like that" or anything, but by god do we need to do that more often. They're so comfortable, and the whole time they kept rubbing their hand up and down my back, and playing with my hair, and saying how beautiful I was, and it made me feel so... loved. I'm so grateful. I returned the favour on all of those, by the way; I don't know much about love, but I know that if you wanna be my lover, you have got to give, taking is too easy, but that's the way it iiiiis~ sorry I had to lol. But no yeah I reciprocated and we both just vibed out together X3 I'm grateful that I could experience that, and that it was with someone I could trust. <3

After that, we both went to DnD. not the same group, but we both played DnD at the same time w different groups of people. And that was fun as well! We did some fun improv games for the beginning part, like a whole-group Mad Libs thing (I confused one of the oldest members by saying "Pulchritudinous" lol) and a little Hell's Kitchen thing (where me, a partner, a mildly convincing Scottish accent, and 2 furbys cooked a baby inside of an E`clair). And near the end, for a few hours, we made our characters and got it all in order. I've been told the theme is Norse Mythology by one of my friends, but the other members are denying anything about that, even though they TOLD ME IN MY FACE last week what the theme would be. Incredible

Sorry, time to play some catch up! Future me, this should line up with August 29th.

I tried my hand at fan fiction! I'm not gonna share it publicly (for now) but I'm proud of how it turned out, even if it was a bit short and didn't have the trademark gratuitous sex or violence that fanfiction gets known for. Not telling you what it was, again privacy.

After that, I went to the Queer club on campus and hung out for a bit in there :D that was pretty fun, just chillin out with people that I know for sure don't hate me for what I am :33

And that night, I was gonna hang out with my friends, but somethin a little screwy happened. My fuckin car broke down right before I could park, and I just kinda had to sit and partially block the parking garage for about an hour until my dad came. I called him because he's the guy who knows how cars work, and I apparently knew less than I thought I did.

He figured out the problem immediately; one, that I ran out of antifreeze and it was making the engine overheat (that part I knew, and I thought I had it covered when I bought what I thought was antifreeze); and two, what I put in the engine last time it ran out was NOT antifreeze. In fact it is one of the few things that you should not under any circumstance put in that part of the engine: window washer fluid. Actual antifreeze would've worked, as would literally normal ass tap water, but I put in the one substance that mixes with the other chemicals in the engine to form big globs that stop up the pipes in the engine and potentially poison me or make the car explode. What the FUCK.

I thank the old guy that told me to buy "orange" when I was out the first time and put it in there, but 1. there are other orange things that go in a car and 2. the brand of antifreeze that really is orange doesn't work in my car, I would've needed the green one, which is what my dad put in.

I'll conclude that conundrumous cavalcade by thanking someone who really did give me the correct kind of antifreeze for my car, completely for free and out of kindness and sympathy. Thank you. I gave it back to them that night though because like I said, dad brought his own and used it. still quite grateful.

And so, I ended that night fucking exhausted out of my mind, and even then, didn't sleep for more than 2 or 3 hours. More on that in the next one.

The events of yesterday are entirely too personal, sorry! Better luck next time ;) 082823notes

Yesterday was also pretty laid back :D I gave a laptop I wasn't using to a friend who needed one, my dad showed up with a gift from my grandma (note to self call her later), and I did some weird shit :o

The weird shit was tarot cards. I'm not about to claim that tarot cards are some magical force, but I use them because they're very good at making apparent what you already know, not really some fortune-telling thing. And indeed, that's what it did, and it was quite helpful. I don't remember everything about what I learned in those spreads, what I do know though is the resulting thoughts I gathered:

From the first one, I had demonstrated better self-control, and controlling my life and destiny, and the most immediate way to continue doing so would be to check if I had any homework due. Indeed I did, for 3 of my classes, and those got done.

A second one I did right before bed said I was worried about my relationship with [REDACTED] is going, as well as financial woes I might have when we [REDACTED] for the first time; the solution it gave was to sleep on it, and not overthink it, and that I did. This one was purpose-built for doing right before bed, so it gave me something to look for in my dreams tonight as well: a small, minute, yet beautiful detail of some kind. Indeed, I had a dream where someone (my brain seems to think it was Phoenix Wright?) was playing the piano, and playing beautifully, until they reached a single note that was played incorrectly, and was so apparent that the playing stopped. I thought it sounded nice; a B chord to a C chord to a G chord (in what I presume is G major), but it apparently didn't sit right with the audience or the player. I also can't quite recall what was played, only the general chord structure of the melody, and a visual indicator of a thin, vertical, orange line coming out of the piano key right at the note that everyone thought sounded wrong. I don't get it, maybe a metaphor for how neurodivergence makes you think you're doing everything wrong, even if you aren't? I also got a message from a friend worrying in a similar vein this morning...

Lastly, this morning I did a third one that was seemingly more technical than the other two, namely because it required 9 cards in a strange order: it's called the Secret of the High Priestess, and its' claim is insight into current trends. I recall the meaning being that I should let my guard down more often, and take things as they come rather than meticulously plan things. Indeed, I do tend to be defensive around other people, worried I could say the wrong things even if it's largely not a problem (again tying into the previous spread from last night).

There's not a mystical force behind this, but if you believe what the cards say, and be honest with yourself in how you behave in reflectance of the cards' message, this is a useful tool. I'm hungry. Bye!

I did fuck all yesterday, in the best way possible. I just chilled out in front of the computer, grabbed a bite to eat, hardly talked at all, and just fuckin took a break. I also made some plans to hang out with a couple friends of mine :o A great day indeed.

And in case I forget it, this morning I tried showering with music on for the first time. It actually helped a lot with how much time I take in there, allowing me to focus on what I'm doing instead of basically dissociating for an hour, while not feeling rushed because I'm listening to my favorite tunes ^w^

Yesterday had some strange weather. It was fairly clear most of the day, then around 1 or 2 it started raining, and around 3-4 then 4:30-6 it was pissing rain to the point where nobody could really walk or drive anywhere or go outside. I was also planning on having movie night with my friends later that day.

Before all that though, I had a pretty chill, fun day. We had film class, and watched 3 different versions of the same scene in "Much Ado About Nothing", by Bill Shapesphere. That was really cool! And me and my friend in there learned a lot about the different ways to portray the same scene, as well as how that's impacted by the medium and budget. The first one was a play rendition, with a bit of a comedic tone; the second was a movie, with cheesy dramatic music and an over-the-top, outrageously intense acting; and the third was a movie made on a tight budget, with basically no music, and the actors were regular ass people who acted regularly inside of the director's (less than) regular house. It was very interesting, to say the least.

And then I had a bite to eat, and on my way there, my umbrella broke. Shit. I couldn't figure out how to fix it, and it was too big and hard to carry to take it to my dorm, so I threw it away, sadly. Sorry dad, I know that was yours originally. After that, I went to a job interview. I feel like if I say what job it was they'll find out, so instead I'll say that it was pouring rain at this point, when it was bone dry and clear when I came in. I bought another umbrella at the little shop there on my way out, and made way for my friends' dorm, not mine because of the movie night.

Fun little blunder on my part. The rain got so bad outside after I went into the dorm that it started fucking FLOODING inside the dorm. The floor was getting covered, there was already an inch of water on the floor within minutes. I didn't want a part in any of this shit, so I tried to escape to the (for now) dry side of the building, where my friends' dorm was. No answer. My film buddy's dorm, then, who's a couple doors down. No answer. Texting either of them? [REDACTED] was at the little mini-mall on campus, [REDACTED] was already leaving town to go home, and everyone else was in their own dorm either fighting the floods or hoping they don't get flooded. So my ass fought until I could get to the third floor (not about to take chances with the second floor) and tried to contact as many people I could to make sure they were okay. Everyone was alright, out of the people I could contact.

The friend who was at the mini-mall thing came back to their dorm somehow, and apparently their roommate was there the whole time, but didn't hear me knock on their door because they were taking a shit. For an hour. I don't think they even knew there was a flood happening until right then, somehow.

Anywho, the three of us watched the rain outside, talked together, and hung around until the rain stopped, or at least, stopped long enough for me to head back to my dorm and sleep. That was a great bonding experience, and I got to watch them play Angry Birds, but that's about all the positives I can say about that whole ordeal. All my clothes were wet, the outfit I chose to wear was hard to move in, my school shit was somehow ok but I was stressing out the whole time about it, and they're (the campus) probably not gonna compensate anybody who got their shit wrecked by water damage. Fun time.

Here's to today being better, hopefully :3

Oh yeah! I also did my laundry while reading the Symposium, and I found out that night that they didn't dry properly, so the only clean clothes I have until I clean again are my two fancy dresses. I'm gonna be a victorian era lookin mfer out here

082423notes

Yesterday was fun, and fairly busy. after posting for the day, I sped-read the entirety of Plato's Symposium before my philosophy class started, and made some questions for class. I comprehended it, somehow, but it definitely deserves some deeper scrutiny, especially since it's relevant to me right now. Me and [REDACTED] are planning to take a look at it together :33

After that, I took to my diary, and wrote as much as I could in there about this month. I tried a different format for it too; I like talking, so instead of writing in paragraphs what I'd been up to, I'd give a brief list of what happened that day, highlight points I wanted to talk to my therapist about, and then during therapy (later that day) I'd say it out loud instead of 20 minutes of her silently reading at the beginning of each session. she could now go until she saw a highlighted part, I'd describe it, and we'd talk about it. There's some things I can't get myself to say out loud, but I can still write those kinds of things down.

So there was therapy, then since I was in town now I went to visit my family, got a fill of gas, and then drove allll the way back to campus to go to work. Nobody was in there last night so I mostly just goofed off and chatted with my friends. The amount they pay me is getting put into perspective...

My computer doesn't have audio but iirc I said seven in this one on accident bc I can't read to save my life lmao

Yesterday, writing out the post from last time, and realizing I was doing stuff I was unhappy with, I deleted Bumble. I want to focus on the people that are already in my life, and enjoy life with them, not constantly wish I was in faraway lands making out with people I only know through a screen. I'm not sure what I need is within that. I'm not even sure I know what I need, or want, or was looking for.

So yesterday, I chose to live the life that's around me. I sat next to my friend in Film class, and we had a great time talking with the teacher and learning more about movies. I also got cognizant that wow, there's so many movies I haven't seen yet! I def need to round up my friends and watch some stuff :D

I also met up with my DnD friend, who was why I waited around in the cafeteria for 3 hours yesterday, and that I did again, but this time quite ready to do it to it ^w^ we chatted in there, including learning about her danganronpa fan character that was incredibly worrying to hear the details of, as well as 2 of her roommates moving out on the first day, taking the ROD for the shower curtain with them. Insane behaviour.

And then we went to DnD club! No actual DnD today, just introduction stuff from everyone that showed up, and some free stickers that I slapped all over my laptop lol :D still fun though

After that, I went with a friend to her dorm and she showed me "What We Do in the Shadows", a weird TV show that's kinda like The Office but with vampires. She also made some fuckin awesome pasta oml it was so good

And lastly, right before the night ended, I had a chat with one of my best friends. This one's gonna stay a secret. Future me, 082323notes. Small hint for your thinking though: YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYE

I think after the two people I have planned to meet, I'm going to delete Bumble. I don't want to live like that.

Yesterday was a blur... I went to class, chatted with people online, and then hung out in the cafeteria for THREE HOURS. Why? No clue. Also, I was really tired from not sleeping enough last night, so after I realized I was there for 3 hours I headed back to my dorm and tried to sleep. It did not work. I went to a club my friends run on campus. I got there super late because I was told the wrong room, so I was there for like 10 minutes and then had to leave to go to work. I sat and kept chatting online during work, as well as apply for a bunch of jobs. Then I went back to my dorm, passed the fuck out, and now I'm here.

That's not a fun way to live. I'm going to evaluate how I can keep this from happening in the future, and evaluate what I value in life. I feel like that's important to do right now.

Yesterday, a lot of fun things happened :3 I chatted a bit with my friend from film class, hung out with my best friends, watched Mean Girls with them together, and got some homework done :D

I also met a new friend, through smth I wanna explain :o on Snapchat, if you're in a university, you can chat with everyone in the university through a shared group story, separated by year of graduation. I met someone on there who was really good at drawing, and she seemed to mesh well with the besties ^w^ I'm willing to count her as one honestly, she's just great at being on the same wavelengths.

I've also been adding a ton of other people through that shared story, but this is the first one I've met in person :v seems like a great tool honestly

I also... completely forgot what I set out to do about staying up late on the internet in the pursuit of that. It was fine this time, but I better watch it.

Anywho, have a nice day!

Yesterday had a lot of good news! I'm not even gonna check if I talked about this when it happened, but my car got towed a while back, and yesterday I was able to pay to get it back! And that was just coincidentally from hanging out with a friend that was free :3 The car was important but I also kinda just wanted to hang out w them honestly, we met up and ate for a bit, then drove to walmart, where i could use an atm and get the (demonstrable huge amount of) money I needed, and chat with them while they got groceries. It was delightful, and I need to hang out with this friend more often ^w^ That's nearer to the end of the day though, most of the day I was propped up on my bed, watching youtube videos and playing ace attorney, trying to think about what all's happened.

This morning, I came to a conclusion that every time I do something irrational that I don't approve of, it's possibly because of the time. The commonalities are when it's late at night, when I didn't get enough sleep, when I'm by myself, when it's early morning, etc. and also, usually the internet gets involved. So, I'm enacting a strict regimen on myself: from the hours of 10 PM to 9 AM, I'm not to use the internet. We'll see how that goes. And maybe I'll extend this to when I'm not quite awake enough during the day. I dunno.

Ugh, I'm not sure I can even stomache talking about today. So much went awry, and so much went "fine". Things don't always turn out how you want them to, but somehow, something else can get better along the way. Or at least, be the one good thing in a pile of crud. And you hold on to it until it balances out your soul, like holding on to an ice pack until it reaches room temperature.

I panicked a lot about if I did the right things, both last night and this morning, and even with out a clear answer, letting it eat me up inside aren't gonna get me anywhere. All I'd like to say is that I talked it out with the people I trust, and I went from panicking to numbness to joy. I took it easy today, and my sanity depended on it.

Are a lot of questions still unanswered? Yeah. Am I in a rush to find the answer? Not really; I got in a rush out of some vain prospect of treading unexplored territory, and while I still wanna do that, because I'm a young and spry girl like any other, I get the importance now of taking my time with it. As much as I hope to be forgiven, I'm not about to put much stake in that.

Sorry for the vagueness, but this is way too personal. And I'm way too tired. I'll end off by saying that I'm grateful for my friends, for music, for food, and for time. Goodnight :3

Posting the morning after because it was LATE when I got done with what I got up to.

Let's start from before that though. I mentioned that I met someone from my film class last time, and yesterday after class I just went straight to them and tried talking to them for real. They're really cool! A fun, bubbly, quick-witted feller. They also have the same strange headache as me, contained to one side and irritating that side's eye.

I also found out that I already knew them, for years in fact, but only superficially. I followed their art instagram account for maybe 4 years before my account got hacked :o small world indeed

But yeah that was a cool person to meet, we both also met another random person in the line at a restaurant who started talking to us when i told them my hometown had segregated high schools for the longest time. ANYWAY

They both left for the weekend, and I just kinda chilled out. I was gonna hang out with my bumble fwb, but they cancelled and said they wouldn't be able to for a few days. Not that I'd've been able to get over there, more on that later.

Instead, there was another one, one that I'd gotten more attached to, that lived on campus right near me, so I asked about hanging out today. And while they said yes, there kept being setbacks, to the tune of being sick, or being nervous. I took a chance for the outrageous and searched their entire dorm building until i found their room, and knocked. That got them to let me in, both to their room, and from the results of that night, their heart.

That sounds like an obsurd maneuver, but it worked out, and it was following some advice I got from my Spanish teacher earlier this year: If someone's gonna tell you no, make them say it to your face. I wasn't gonna keep persisting if I got all the way there and got told no, that would've been the end of the story, obviously; but when you're face-to-face, and you're not some bigshot orator or something, you're much more compelled to tell how you really feel. And I could tell from that night that they seemed glad I came, as well as quite tired because it was like 11 at night. We watched some youtube videos, did [REDACTED], chatted, hugged, and just generally hung out. Not quite picturresk, but definitely more than I could've asked for.

That's the end of the day, but not the end of what I wanna say.

While waiting, I just kinda hung around outside; I took a nap on the side of a pillar, and just took in everything around me for a bit. After that, I thought I might go for a drive, get some gas or some essentialsNO. My car is GONE. I don't think I parked anywhere illegal, so it's either stolen or a false charge. I'm gonna take it up with the parking cops later.

And for today? Idk yet. I WOULDVE been going apartment hunting today, but that's either gonna be on foot now, or completely called off.

Well, today I had a ton of fun talking to a bunch of people on Bumble, seeing who was nearby and talking to them. Honestly, beyond trying to date/fwb/whatever, you end up finding a lot of cool people on here that you would've never talked to otherwise, again looping around to an assertion i made a while ago about how i don't get what romance does that a friend (with or without benefits) can't. Maybe if I checked this out sooner (and had the capacity to) I wouldn't be a fucked up weird girl. EH.

And in case any worries were had, I didn't forego the people that are already in front of me that I know about. I went and gave one of my friends a little birthday present :3 and saw them and another friend off as they left for the weekend. On the way there, I met a person that's in my film class, and they had some nice things to say :o they said I was really smart and good at this film analysis stuff (and I'd like to think I'm not but hey I'll take it) :DD I'm gonna try and talk to them tomorrow, learn their name and maybe chat about movies after class. Potential friend time :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Right now I'm waiting on laundry, and for the elusive first (real) sex time tomorrow. I'll probably start being normal about it soon but right now I'm quite excited. At the very least, I've not announced what I'm up to to any friends, because I don't think they'll care much, and there's not much I can directly say to them. I could describe it all to myself in writing later, and use that as reference sometime? Many possibilities here.

That reminds me, I need to play more ace attorney. A cruel fiend school and a social life is, keeping me from funny lawyer game smh

The results of today might be pivotal in how my life happens. I installed a dating app, Bumble, and had a look around. I found someone that caught my eye, messaged them, and now we're scheduled to meet up and have sex :O

It's a big risk, and whether this is just a one-time thing or a reocurring gig remains to be seen. I'll find out eventually :3 I just wanted to try it, see what happens.

That and class has been basically the entire events of the day. I did also do a bunch of troubleshooting, seeing if I could see who liked me on bumble without paying them, but no dice (heh).

Anyway, I'm gonna take it easy for the rest of the day, not really expecting anything wild. Seeya!

Today had a few twists and turns in it. I went to class, and all was well there, it's philosophy, nothin crazy. After that I had a meal, and had a very... interesting conversation that made me concerned for my actions and wellbeing and bonds and everything. I'm not about to say a damn word of it. Just a couple hints for future me to remember from: piss conversation. Yeah.

After that, I decided to hit the town. I went to a pawn shop down the road and picked up some weird dvds in the bargain bin. I ended up getting strange dvds, demo discs, and the elusive normal ps2 game. I had also gotten a music CD, but I returned it because it didn't play in the car and skipped around a bunch.

And then going back on campus became hell on earth. there wasn't a SINGLE damn parking spot anywhere near my dorm, and turning around in the dinky ass parking lot with every space filled had me sweating bullets. I was close to either falling down a cliff and into the woods or backing up into another car the entire time, and I ended up just driving backwards through the ENTIRE lot until I was in the clear to turn myself around. None of the other lots had parking spaces either, so I parked along the wall somewhere and called it a day. Sure is what I paid 190 dollars for :|

Heading back to the dorm, I tried to play all the discs i got, and came to find out that the dvd drive in my laptop is shot. it'd be 25 bucks to get a new one, and a not-cheap amount of gas to go home and find another one there. I settled with cleaning them and sending pictures to my friends.

fnonk

Today was pretty nice. I got to all my classes just fine, did my laundry, met an old friend from high school, got mfin health insurance, and set up my desktop in the dorm :D A string of good things, and a satisfactory day.

Oh yeah, on that newly set up desktop, I was FINALLY able to figure out the fire temple in Tears of the Kingdom!!! The very last gong had me befuddled, but apparently the solution was as simple as looking right behind me where the next to last one was. That happens a lot, it feels like I hardly ever recognize the easy stuff, even after getting all the hard stuff.

Speaking of which, I found out that I'm also missing the antennae for the pc's wireless stuff as well as the power thing for the speakers, which means I had no way of hearing what I was doing. Not that I could've anyway, since my roommates were right beside me watching some Vinland Saga (i think that's what it's called? some sort of anime), and I was intrigued enough to listen in while i played. Weird show.

Right, I'm getting a decent workout lugging my school stuff around. I opted for a big ol suitcase thing instead of a backpack, because it holds a crap ton. Everything in there (7 notebooks, a laptop+charger, a calculator somewhere) works out to about 20-25 pounds, and by golly do i feel it. Didn't expect this to be how I get fit this year...

Last thing on my mind I guess is that this morning, i had a weird set of nightmares, or what felt like them. I woke up real early, stayed up for a bit, then went back to bed, and during that, it felt like every 5 minutes or so some new terrifying thing happened in dreams, like wandering around in a dark parking lot trying to find my car, or heading straight into a tornado, or swimming away from a humanoid sea monster. Freaky shit, would not reccomend whatever got that to happen.

I'll end on a positive note: I got word from one of my professors that there'll be a fun field trip we can do for fall break :v

Today was... Wow. So, for like 4 hours after doing the usual take-meds-play-ace-attorney-shower gig, I decided that I was gonna make up Spanish names for all the Ace Attorney characters, because why not? The actual translations in the games don't do it, so I was gonna. Anyone down for Claro Papayito: Mejores Abogados? Eh. Maybe I'll revisit it when I get more acquainted with it.

The bigger events were right after; I finally hung out with one of my friends from high school for the first time since last year, and while i had fun, i also had an empty gnawing feeling afterward. i dunno. i felt... detached from how long we split up. never enough to actually split up, i'll still lay my life down for a friend like them, but everything felt off afterward. i wrote a little private rant about it, and asked another friend if i could talk to them about it. that was the first time i did a thing like that, and i felt nervous opening up about myself in that way, but by golly did it help. we wore eachother out till we were just chatterin and gigglin out in the hallway together. i appreciate that, even if it wasn't much effort on their part. it's gonna help me sleep tonight instead of die tonight, like i did from within many years gone by. i should do that more often, just find time to open up about myself to people i can trust around me. If this sounds really basic of a concept, well, nobody's told me it before, that's for sure.

Met both my roommates at once today, they're pretty chill. Lotta chemistry together since they both know eachother, no problem at all.

Ah yeah! A lot of my early morning had some good ol technical troubleshooting. I was trying to get Ace Attorney Investigations 2 running, and couldn't set up the patcher program. Fiddled with setting up .NET Framework for a couple hours before I realized that the patcher had a native linux version I could use. And oh yeah, the patch is to put the game in Engilsh. I'm still learning Japanese, but I'm by no means at that kinda level. It's fun of course, just like the last 5. They put chess in here. It's kinda making me understand chess for the first time. See ya! ^w^

I think the most I did yesterday was play Ace Attorney, including finishing the 4th game (what a gauntlet lawdy but it was worth it) so I'm gonna use this opportunity to start posting about today again :333

Today, my roommates moved in! That was fun, meeting their parents, and just enjoying the vibes while they got their stuff in. I only met one of them so far, the other one moved in while I was doing the next thing.

For about 6 hours straight, I helped two of my best friends move into their dorms :DD Gosh that was a ton of fun, we got all the stuff in, talked to their parents, rearranged the furniture, just so much stuff happened. Their room was pretty... unique, to say the least, in both layout and placement. I also got invited to a "goat dinner" by one of their moms, which is basically a picnic where you chill out with goats. It'll double as a birthday party too, I'm excited :DDDD If they're able to get me a seat there ofc, this was planned well in advance, and I just kinda asked out of the blue if I could go after I learned what it was. I got a kinda sneaky yes >:3

I also got a run-in with a couple other friends that were moving in on campus today, though they were also busy with everything. Did I mention today's the normal move-in day?

Anyhow, I ended the day off with some shopping, mostly bags of popcorn, and now I'm yonked out in the dorm :) my roommates are gone rn but that's fine. Busy day, but fun. :3

Yesterday had a pleasant discovery. I was starting to run low on the food that I packed, and I learned that I could now go to the restaurants on campus and actually eat food there!! They've been open the whole time but only for people who were staying the whole summer, AKA not me. Had the same mediocre pizza I missed for so long, and brought back to the dorm a few spoils of war (an apple, an orange, and a bowl of cereal). Great time!

Other than that, I was watching some youtube videos, and got reminded of the Lego Batman games. I had the first one on the Wii when I was a kid, and this was a video about that and the 2nd game. That reminded me that i had those games on my Epic account (they had a big giveaway when the store first opened that had every batman game for free, and I took up that offer), and got to it! Lego Batman 1 has been a blast so far, the same great game I played back when I was 4, and for the first time ever I've been getting farther into the game than I did as a kid! Back then I kept skipping around through the different chapters, so I never really got too far in any one chapter, but now, doing them in order, I beat chapter 1, unlocked the villain missions, and I'm now halfway through chapter 2! Great time. A classic honestly. Makes me excited for the 2nd game, and how it has voice acting and a full open world. I had the demo of it on 3DS as a kid, but didn't get far in that either.

Other than that, the freshman moved in yesterday and gave everyone an earful. So much screaming and shouting... I think there were people with drums banging them around too! I sound old saying that but damn it was loud. I was showering when it happened, so I thought someone was breaking into my room lmao

Good morning! Yesterday, I didn't really do anything, so I just chilled out. No work to do, no class either, so it was me, my dice, and my laptop. For a while at least.

I decided to check how much gas was in the car, and it was lookin a little low, so I went out to the gas station. After I filled up, the car had a warning show up on it about the engine stalling and getting too hot. I went out and opened the hood to check, and an old guy came up to me while I was doing that. I told him what was wrong, he had a look around the vehicle, and he said "t's outta orange, go cross the street and you can get you some."

Apparently by "orange" he meant antifreeze, and matter of fact the only one wal-mart had, Rain-X, was orange, so that's that. Bought some, filled it in, and the temperature went to where it was supposed to be.

I thought it was a really kind gesture from a stranger. I was grateful for the quick, free, and accurate help he gave, and of course thanked him before I took off. The kindness of a stranger... I'm touched, honestly. Made me think of how I can return that kind of favor to the world, helping another stranger out some day.

Yesterday really was a good day! We did some employee training at work, though they hardly said anything about doing the actual job, we just cleaned the place. Got a free meal out of it too :D

I was also able to hang out with the friend I talked about yesterday! We sat and talked for a bit while he did his job, it was pretty nice.

I also started the 4th main ace attorney game, Apollo Justice :o I was gonna wait until the HD versions came out, but I decided not to. For one, that's still months from now, and I'd rather keep up the momentum of playing all of these, and two, was I gonna play the HD version anyway? The original trilogy's HD version has been out for a while now, and I still went with playing the games on my Wii. So why the hell not? I downloaded the game and a DS emulator and got to it. Pretty fun!

What's not fun is when I took my shower; I was fiddling with the shower head when it came apart, and I saw that it was DISGUSTING inside. What the fuck. I don't even know what it was, everything was just this brown goop. I got most of it clean with a sponge and some soap, but my god, I was showering in that for two days???